Carry forward......

    Don't you love it when life seems to jump into cruise control and just goes along in 5th gear a bit above idle. That seems to be what is taking place right now. I have no pressing business to attend to other than repairing things around the homestead. I like it when I get to relax and just carry on without having to adopt a mindset to contend with some workplace crap. I'm not making any money right now but I've no immediate pressure to run around looking for a job either. The woman and I are prepping the house for paint inside to give it a fresh look as a selling enticement. I love working on my home though I must admit I'm probably one of the roughest carpenters alive. Suz has put more time and effort into this house than my former ever did and it shows. She is one of the hardest workers I've ever known and unafraid to tackle things she's never done.  
    A friend of ours remarked this year on how gentle we are with each other and how rarely we seem to argue. Now that does not mean we don't cajole and tease each other with accusatory banter etc because we certainly do, but we've worked our way through  every self-protective issue we've encountered. It is this fact which continues to support all I believe about who she is and the how and why I met her.  Some years back I realized how sensitive to argument she could be and it stood to reason considering the way her parents conduct themselves with the opposite sex. So I set a course for a more verbal relationship than the one she'd formerly had for most of her early adult years. She wanted an intelligent man with a strong belief system and though she wound up with me instead.....its obviously kept her interested.
    I soon figured out that her mom and dad had constantly bantered goodnaturedly with each other and remained friends after separation and divorce, though there were a few years of silence. It showed how much respect and real love existed between them even though they let their anger get the best of them. Suzanne is her mother's favorite simply because she has always stood close to her and isn't afraid of confronting Jeanine when she feels her mom is being unfair. Now her mother would never hurt her other children by such an admission but I know it is true. Sue has her mama's admiration in a lot of ways the others do not for the simple fact of her generosity of spirit, if nothing else. She's even got in mama's face about her attitude toward me a time or two....not that I needed the help.....and certainly I didn't deserve the assaults.....heh, heh, heh.
     During the course of coming to know Suz I realized she is a carbon of her mother in some strong basic ways such as a willingness to offer love and friendship to anyone who reached for them.  This made me realize that if I worked on her issues openly and let her see I wasn't afraid to confront my own fears....granted I was able to see them..... we stood a wonderful chance of having this union continue growing no matter what we encounter. After the long way I created for myself, learning slowly to understand the ins and outs of my remembered childhood and the adoptions of attitude from my parents I believed myself finally ready for a far more open encounter with love and understanding. The fall proved everything is possible between us and I've got a gem in this partner like none before. Though our third party has chosen to take all she learned through us and give another try at her former relationship...we have little to regret for we have an even deeper knowledge now of who we are as spirits and human beings. We wouldn't be together if it were not that way, but it is and I can say honestly say....we both understand why.
    

"The Blog" ..sort of akin to "the Blob"......where we expose our "monsters"

All comment made to you are mirror of your own thoughts. Though some seem to have been hiding behind 'shades'.....they were just beyond 'awareness' waiting to surge into the forefront again.

It is always difficult when one begins processing the pros & cons of where one is....was....and hopes to be. The 'shades' are comfortable places which we learn to draw from convoluted examples set by those we look up to. Sometimes the 'shades' become drawn so tight...that the only thing which helps to open them...is an 'independent review board'...such as a blog....one of the experiences many find in conversing with 'strangers'.
Some comments offer only sympathy which while comforting....merely serves the same old 'cup of coffee' because sympathy requires mere opinion.
Some comments offer empathy which requires comprehension of the situation in a 'fullness' based in experience....which has to contain a lot of hindsight.
Each aspect contributes simply because each is pertinent in different ways. Sympathetic is an interesting word when broken in two....sym or symbiosis........and pathetic or useless. Sympathetic words allow one to feel somewhat supported.....and we may recognize a "pathology" or what might be recognized as 'pathetic'.....in our attitude while reviewing another's words......which we hadn't seen clearly before. It is therein...that opportunity to learn from the situation and move into a new 'space' of attitude exists.
And, of course, this is where empathy becomes helpful. Empathy implies comprehension of a 'pathetic' or 'pathological' situation.In the study of other's empathic statements we can find inspiration.....which helps us adopt freer attitudes..


This is the way we grow in all ways...and always.

the Lizzie thing...

"corners of your caste"

an old abandoned shack you're in,

the corners of your caste...

I've come to you to look again,

at all you thought had passed.....

it hurts when we find shadowed rooms,

with things so well we hide...

we are reborn by facing this,

in truth love has no pride....

you may believe a dream's just dream,

a mental fantasy....

for you can turn them on or off,

some not so easily...

yet dreams are all the imagery,

of how we really feel...

they leave aside our reasoning,

and show us what is real...

and the lover's sleeping in your heart

cuz' all your love's so strained

and you never learn to let it roll

still stumbling in this old game

the shack is how you see your heart,

and shadows fill its rooms...

the child inside still so afraid,

it may never leave the tomb...

when it cannot stop the nightmares,

that were written for the play...

it will value all its failures,

and re-live them every day...

caution is your blocking now,

and you won't let me in....

but that ain't the way our love began,

trust me throw it to the wind....

for when the wolf shows up knocking,

he knows what you must do...

and I gave my all my everything,

so the rest is up to you.....

"Preparing for change"

     The more I watch the world news and connect the 'economic dots' the more I think our economies are slowly washing away. This is going to have a far greater impact in the next ten years than many of you believe.  I do not relate my opinion to the "Tumble of 2008" alone, for I've watched the industrial world with increasing interest since Opec was formed in 72'. During this time frame, the way our economies were structured became increasingly subject to population growth and fluctuating economic phases of result. As resource bases were compromised from the marketing offshore of technologies and eventually opposing technologies competed for resource it became more and more obvious, to some, that N America was headed for a fall.....more than a 'top placement' in world power. In the circular way history shows the rise and fall of civilizations.....those which cannot maintain the health of their members eventually corrode. That corrosive aspect of industrial N America has grown exponentially alongside its division of classes. What once was enabled through exploitation of raw resource has moved beyond its place of dominion and is retreating in accordance with natural law. The exodus of workers from the crash of 29' was addressed through government work projects while industrialists found European despots to market our fascination with mobility . The increase in oil production during and after WWII created even more population movement as farming became less and less profitable for family farms and more people began moving to urban areas seeking employment. my family moved in such a way during the late 50s to take part in opportunities from the Texas oil production boom. These facts helped us re-build an over-free economy into the post WWII global power we thought would never change.
     Alas...how we are so blind in our institutions. As Eisenhower warned in his retirement speech, armies have become big business......the world over.....and this has done nothing for longevity of humanity for it has produced several generations of 'spoiled' children who think only of themselves....both here and abroad. The tenacity of this thinking has maintained the industrial complexity of modern civilization to the point of massive over abundance and equally massive under abundance to massive over population....which still thinks in basic selfish ways. All this tracking of mine is part of the reason I live where I do....surrounded by a lot of wilderness. I seemed to see, a long time ago, we are all headed into a far more basic way of living. I think if I'd had a partner who loved the wildness as much as I, when I was younger, I'd have been living out in the wilds somewhere long before now. You can't drag them off by the hair any more....at least that's what I was taught.

    So..... I think its going to be a year of preparing for change and activating such, as the year unfolds. Since I'm in a transitional phase of my life again....relevant to age, health, job, etc.....I may as well be bold enough to consider a physical move as well. We've looked at the idea of selling our home and entering into a co-operative with folks of like mind. Insofar as basic live and let live ethics portray, our particular prerogatives lean more toward organization of...and willful intent to follow through with a small co-operative than some idealistic based nonsense. Proven long-standing  shared land co-ops do exist across this continent and the protocols for starting such are already in place, so I don't see the difficulty in the legal matters to start. Committment as well as mature comprehension, may prove more problematic to locate but I'm willing to listen to all comers. My interest in "hippie-trippy-dippy" nonsense is absolutely nil as we are projecting something long-term which will require maturity and a broad scope of intelligence as well. Where the problems begin is finding others who either have on hand or can, in a reasonable amount of time, raise the necessary funds to pursue such. That is just the basic criteria. Our aim of like-mind would include willingness to participate in all areas of governance and, as well, strong interest in land conservancy, ecological sustainability, organic farming, alternate energy sources, home schooling, alternative medicines, communal transportation, and anything of parallel value to these parameters.

"for those who wish"

for those of you who've never loved....nor chanced beyond your sandbox door,

who chose to merely watch or wait......for heroes, villians, and acts of war.

for all  convinced they'll never see.......the tender places of life's confines,

and ponder long through storms inside........did god include in his design.

for every man who pays no time............to touch the gentle hands within

and thus cannot conceive the all............but separateness chaotic whim

for every broken hearted wife........... tempting death by sharpened blade,

in anger thru her choices wove..............who won't admit tis' her parade.

for those who hunger never wans.............and lonely destitution reigns

refusing to give up their want..............believing in eternal pain.

I offer each and every man..........each lad or lass to woman born,

a taste of something bittersweet...........if brave enough to sail the horn.

its there beyond horizons passed.......the make up of belief and act,

as hidden in the folds of time................a fiction mixed among the fact.

its not among the mountain tops............nor buried in archaic song,

you cannot grasp it with your hands............tho its been here all along.

you are of this and blind will stand.........lost in guessing games and rhyme

until you feel its gentle beat..........between the moments of your time

002.AVI

I tied a stuffed mouse toy above a stuffed toy 'Boxer' on a cord for the pup. She has taken a real 'fancy' to this and when she tires of trying to grab the mouse....she beats the stuffed dog up as though it were real......at least that's what I project.

"Broken Down Gods"

He walked, down a road, paved with broken down gods

in search, of a memory, he needed to clear

I warned, his believin, was trustin' to images

cuz' gods, are illusions, created from fear

he'd come, from a young life, of glory in war

abandoned, by his love, a long time ago

his faith, and his trust, forever was shattered

in broken down saviors, who he'll never know

I asked him, do you really need it, now think before answerin' me

some other god, to ease all your pain

cuz' if you're still waitin', on broken down saviors

you're never gonna find, the one in your name

storms full of anger, had left all his wounding

and dark, were the demons, who clawed at his eyes

he'd seen thru the blind, to find he was livin'

lessons of love, that were based on broken down lies

its time to return, he most close his circle

when one runs away, they will always return

for when we keep runnin', we lose to our demons

from avoiding all the wonder we came here to earn

chorus again

He's walkin' with new eyes, down the same broken road

re-paving his old mind with new steppin' stones

he's learnin' his new gods were just versions of old ones

who came to replace the shape he'd outgrown

we can't run away cuz' life moves in circles

our journey will return where we begin

believin' with blind faith is part of the journey

but sooner or later we must know it comes from within

welcome to "Tinker-Bella"

In 1999, shortly before I met Suzi Q.......I drove south 350 miles to Vernon one afternoon to bring back a 5ton rental truck for a good friend who was moving to the eastern U.S. On the way, passing through 100 MileHouse BC , I spotted a roadside vendor selling those popular fleece type blankets. A beautiful golden queen size with a Tiger caught my eye....so unmistakeably intense....that I asked my buddy to turn around and go back. He glanced at me and I told him 'spirit' was telling me to buy this blanket and I'd soon know why. Tim, my buddy, has been through a lot of things with me and has learned to accept my intuitions without question so he did just that. I'm not one to be frivolous with money...at all....but when 'spirit' says do something in an unmistakeable fashion I almost always try to comply. The tiger blanket was not cheap at 90$ but it sure made the fellow happy and that's a good thing too. We carried on into Vernon, picked up the truck, and returned home somewhere around 4 or 5AM. I brought the blanket in and threw it across my sofa ( one I'd acquired at the local swap shed ) to brighten up my rather Spartan furnishings.........divorce and living away from your home can leave one without many of the comforts we formerly owned.....but thats another story.
      The first time Suzanne came to one of my healing/teaching/learning sessions......she promptly commented on how beautiful the 'tiger' was. That was the time another clairvoyant commented that our auras turned to gold and fully joined when we sat at opposite ends of the sofa. I knew something powerful was happening during the days that followed and....well....many of you now know the journey. It was shortly after that I gave her her 'spirit name' during a ceremony one evening. The name came to me easily in the ceremony...'Tiger Lily'.......even though I thought it was kind of 'funny' at the time. When I discovered that Suzanne means 'lily'.....in an older more ancient tongue....sometime later...I was satisfied.
       Recently.....we acquired a female Boxer pup from friends who raise them. Suzanne used to raise them as well and they are probably....her favorite dog. She had the last of her dogs when I met her...Tawny.....who died in typical 'Boxer style' ( heart-attack ) a few years ago......as a matter of fact just two years before ol' Jake the bear. We have been dogless since because neither of us felt like another until babysitting the son's "Pitty" for most of the winter reminded how much fun they are....among all other attributes. So now we have 'Tinker-Bella'......or just Bella for ease of training etc.

       Suzanne had decided to call her Belle at first but I argued for something quite a bit more 'in tune' with us but....we couldn't agree until she walked into a close friend's.......with Belle for the first time.....and when her three year-old  heard her name she promptly spit out "Tinkerbella". I was not there at this time and when Suzanne told me the next day.....I stopped...drew a breath.....and said, "I'll be damned...... 'spirit' is speaking through the little child and confirming something I'd always wondered about. You see...I've long doubted if Sue really trusted some of my deeper intuitions until they play themselves out in a graphic way through our tangible lives.  When I began talking about the kid's name for the pup....I realized Suzanne had no connection between Tigerlily and Tinkerbella. Surprised....I asked her if she'd ever read Peter Pan. She said no......just saw the movies. When I told her who her namesake was she was rather quietly amazed. In discussing this with her I notice,  once again,  the reasons why we were drawn together at the point of contact.  She has a simple abiding faith that time and a gentle way removes all boundaries of love....which spawns from a long, 'quiet path' of self-analysis.....since she was a girl . It goes hand in hand with a far better example of parenthood....than I had.....and the witnessing of daily love between her parents when she was an infant, toddler, and adolescent. My levels of trust were built on my intuitiveness in a different way and much more aggressive in nature, but nonetheless powerful.....for I trusted my spirit to guide me through my life....and still do. My early formed distrust of my parent...and thus all adults in general......and learning to accept the harsh equations as part of the program made it far easier for me to find perspective from "failure"....and showed me there is always a way back to 'light' or love. It comes from growing up always feeling alone...or separate....from social consensus.  I try to express this in the song I wrote titled "Legend".

    Those of you who struggle with different issues...such as those we've discussed herein during our time together.....both personal and when we've written them in comments and/or as part of our blogs.....will realize that even at the deeper levels of comprehending the nature of our inner-children we still deal in consensual patterns daily. The difference is in how we deal with them. It is this.....how I deal.......that allows me to read between written lines and traverse each of your emotional minds...at times....with such clarity that sometimes you are astounded. What I find reassuring....as well astounding.....is that all of you still 'ride the river' with me. Your love is truly a blessing.

Albert Einstein quote

"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

society....the essentials of personal tragedy

Has it ever crossed your mind that  the essential base of all social order is a tragedy. Think about it.  In Western culture.......the hero/villian equations which were lived on a daily basis during the bulk of the last century.......and for certain......a part of daily life in all centuries theretofore.....still continue in practice through war, romance, and natural disasters.


Television mediums such as video games, movies, and simple newscasts constantly remind us of our need to vindicate life by heroism. Even the pursuit of spiritualism from Buddhist form to Wicca popularizes itself in terms of the "heroic quest". For example.....young ....."Siddhartha was born to privelege and renounced all to find the truth of life.......eventually 'rising' from the 'ashes' to become the "awakened one" the first "Buddha". All pandering to the traditions which encompass far earlier forms of worship still exemplify the heroic quest. The ancient primal 'earth-mother' in Greek...Gaia....a composite of two older words 'ge' and thought to be pre-greek through the Sumerian word 'Ki'.......plus 'aia' which stems from Indo-European origins meaning 'grandmother' morph in context to tragic relevance for 'gaia' is the base god from which Greek society stems. She is merely a metaphor trying to explain a union between earth and the heavens but in her explanation follows a huge family tree of heroes and villians pandering to all that was seen as the 'tragedies' of life.


Thus from our earliest forms of self-recognition we self-accept these roles of hero/villian in a never ending self-manipulating social tragedy. Of all the creatures at the waterhole.......humans seem to be the only ones capable of creating scenarios of 'loss' with which they justify dominion over their fellows....both animal and other. Its small wonder the planet is in such a state of polluted conflict, eh ?


So on a personal level....would it not seem that the way of release is to understand personal need at the deepest of form. Without such an understanding how will we ever know when we are projecting 'loss scenarios' which seem to be 'gain scenarios' ? Most of humanity is a far cry from recognizing how important 'loss' is to to them..........and without 'loss' we cannot feel comfortable within the martyrdom of dominion we have socially created.

" is life just a 'sexual equation' ?

Asking such a question will presuppose many opinions. It is my intention to argue this question in the affirmative.....based on the second level of growth...puberty....through which we must adapt to a physical stage wherein we humans can...and will....reproduce. In the study of eastern mysticism, belief, faith etc......I also relate to the magnetic containment of memoried experience, therein known as "chakras", which allow humans to repeat all act......such as eating and sleeping. I think , as I have expressed in former posts, the Mystics of earlier times envisioned the growth stages of life in the defining of the 7 main "chakras". To me, at least, the parallels from their visionary practices perfectly coincide with much that subsequent "science" has discovered.


The second "chakra" governs all sexual experience in its most understandable fashion...simply because it relates to reproduction.....or sexuality. Through the idea in anthropocentric based beliefs.... our self-defining characteristics........  we willfully "go forth to be fruitful by multiplying"....even though the supposed Yahweh-based instruction to Abraham is undoubtably leading our species to the brink of annihilation by its far too literal  interpretation and expression.


So...what is that "puberty chakra" REALLY about ? Could it be that we humans were intended to physically recreate only to the extent that our uncontrollable urge to survive becomes monumentally suspect ?
Perhaps, as many other literalist interpretations of mid-eastern belief ( which includes both Koran and the Bible) come into educated scrutiny, so too must the incessant desire, by many, to see themselves as God's "pawn image"  incarnate on earth. Instead.... through overpopulation by our species, we should realize we are all part of a greater spectrum of life that needs....not to be physically perpetuated.....but just simply accepted as a gift of "creationary force"....a temporary existence in an infinite "garden".  Maybe.....we're not supposed to endlessly attempt to perpetuate our species at all.    Maybe......we are merely meant to utilize our procreative ability as a circular learning curve in a "game" of self-recognition. It could be argued that such a concept is the purest form of anthropocentricity.

It seems to me the formation of the many 'mystery schools' some two to five thousand years ago, offered  such insight into this 'game of tail-chasing' we call life. Since that time the re-union of the rift between science and religiosity may merely be the 'long-way around' to arrive at the same conclusion the 'mystery schools' offered. So mankind, by and large,  chose to ignore the earlier offering of true intuitive  knowledge and instead , through ignorance and fear, physically expresses the second chakra trying  to insulate ourselves from death by overpopulation. It is the fear of death which bases the consensus that necessitates society, for through society mankind finds support for all his physical endeavors. Love you say ??? Bullshit !!! 99% of ideas of love are merely formed from a need for community due to the fear of lack....death.

The interesting aspect of all this could be argued in relation to a "re-evolutionary" principle. If random chaos theories held any real weight.....reason would never exist at any level. So if we miss the first overall "offering for universal knowledge".......we will still come to it by a seemingly chaotic "weigh", pardon the "metaphun". Its as if, simply put, those of us too afraid to delve into the image of self...as 'God'.....will relive our own 'creative sorrow' through creating physical likenesses of ourselves again and again......till we've used up the frame work of physical dimension......in this case an ecological imbalance.

Blessings to all.

"learning to accept Death is learning to embrace life"

    I take the time to write this for some of you may have missed something recently..... you were actually meant to learn from. Its just something different to consider and I wouldn't bother but for the fact a number of you are healers.....plus spirit suggested this to me.


   The greatest of obstacles a healer must face is the inherent, ingrained fear.....of death. We speculate, we argue, we attest, but.....mostly......we fear it. Our cultural roots drill us from before the time we are born with religious imagery about death and all its implied loss........primarily our own......but far more inclusive through implications and supplication. The structure of our DNA also provides us with an even stronger measure against death. Its chemistry creates the pattern which makes us reach for survival to a much greater degree than many may be aware of.
   As a channel I have told personal stories of my own regarding conversations with the spirit of someone who had passed. None of these were made up or copied. It would seem then that I am able to accept death to an easier degree than many others. This may be the case, for I've experienced a powerful classic near-death situation and many close calls in my time, but I can't be sure since I'm not dead.  I've dealt with many who have lost loved ones during the course of my life and some of these interactions were.....simply put....astounding.....leaving the bereaved, as well as myself,  impressed beyond simple doubt that something "guarantees" our spirit lives on. So I want to say that the fear is created by the inability  to control death. The stronger our fear of living is....the stronger our fear of death and dead things will be.
   I find references to death often support its social dogma even among healers. Television shows concerning the supernatural ( a rather ridiculous oxymoron) abound in popularity. Pandering to the issue is rife in all western style thinking. So I thought I'd tell a few stories of my own regarding death and how I've come to being a bit more accepting of all its attachments.
   Many years ago, as a surfer, I watched a man drown off the end of a jetty in Galveston, Texas. There was no way to reach him safely since the surf was unusually big and trying would have likely placed myself and my friend in the same space. It was not pleasant and within fifteen minutes the beach patrol was fishing for his body with long poles. Obviously, I've never forgotten this. One of my high-school icons, a fellow older than I, died standing up in his kitchen from an overdose of heroin. His father found him leaning against the counter stone-dead when he arose for work in the morning. A neighbor of mine, years ago in Vancouver, died in her apartment and nobody knew until she began decomposing. The smell is unforgettable. Ten years ago a distraught neighbor of mine hung himself over his separation. He hung for three days during Halloween in a shed behind the fence between our yards. My dog Jake howled every night but I could not figure out why because I was too preoccupied with my own life. Charley had approached me about depression a couple of weeks before this and I'd invited him to come and talk but he never did. I could go on and on recounting the losses of friends and neighbors.
    I've lived in Prince George for almost thirty years and know many of its people. In small towns death becomes a community issue because everyone is easily connected. Some of the funerals are huge and one begins to realize the scope of connectedness through attendance because there are people who come just because it was a member of their community. The support for the bereaved can be enormous.
    As I stated above there are many instances where I've found myself going beyond the normal support into  paranormal support. I don't care what you think regarding how this works or why because all reason gets suspended at this point. It is from this position I exercise the lesson I intended.
    In 1974, while living and working on a ranch owned by a local pioneer family, Suzanne spent a portion of summer working to find and retrieve 6 bodies of classmates from a local high school. These local teens had decided to canoe the Willow River from  the Highway 16 East bridge to the community of Willow River, not knowing anything about the impassable, treacherous canyon below the bridge area. It is remarkable that none of the parents of these young men were aware of the danger, considering the area involved, with all the outdoor lifestyles. It would seem plausible that someone would have heard of their plan and thought to warn but that never happened. The result was a tradgedy which affected the entire community of Prince George. The funeral was massive with a memoriam in their High School Auditorium.  The young men would have realized their mistake within moments of departure from the park below the bridge but, even without the high spring level of the river, their fate was sealed. Recovery of the bodies was impossible though searchers combed the river for weeks after. The canyon itself was completely off limits to the searchers because of its steep walls, rocks, and channel. It was the foreman of the ranch where Suzanne was living and working who located the first two bodies but this happened a month for one.....and a few weeks later for the second, as the river level dropped with a lessening of spring runoff. Four  months later in late August Suzanne and Miles Perry, her boss, began smelling the others while haying in the back fields along the river. This initiated searching for them and retrieving bones and pieces of clothing etc. until all but one lad had been found. They never found the last one and his brother kept searching and helping out long after the main search was suspended.  Suzanne told me the impact of this on her personally was a staggering eye-opener to death. Her words were, "there is nothing as awful as packing dead bodies, in pieces, out of the bush in backpacks". The marks of bears feeding on them were on a number of the bones and skulls. She was fortunate to have this old pioneer clan to help her handle herself throughout the journey. She knew every single young man, personally, but the boy from the Queen Charlottes. Suz has kept a pictorial record from this event for all these years. I would bet my life there will be hearty thanks passed on to her from their spirits when she greets them on the other side. She is a very special woman with the heart of a lion, balls of steel, and the ability to teach an army how to understand love.
    So..............think about it from my perspective. There are those of us who inadvertently 'stumble' across bodies or scenes of death and never recognize what is happening because we've too many blocking mechanisms in place which avoid the issue every way we can. It is such mechanisms which hold KEYS to our enjoying richer and fuller lives. I read about one such incident in blog world recently and would advise this person to 'look again' at the incident and ask herself whether the 'protection' she thought was given.......may have actually been an offer from the so identified "angels" for her to learn something positive........from finding something so traumatizing to her. Maybe.....just maybe....this was an incident she was guided into to help her with other incidents of loss.....both past and future...........which are forthcoming in her life.......a way of becoming truly familiar with the reality that true healing is found in our abilities to articulate death for others in a properly supported manner.....than a manner full of classical distortions.

    Relations...and relationships never die.....but they do suspend in time....and will be addressed at some other time and space for certain.

Bless us all my Grandothers.......dead and alive.

"the Quest" for baby "Bear Greenwell" born New Years Day 2009

If I'm born to learn to draw the shades from mystery....

through the twists and turns I meet while on this road.

then I'll need to find the freedom through the hour's glass...

to pursue its weight and dump the overload.

Through a curtain of consensus by agreement in......

and resulting chaos suffered all along.

I began a stripping off of all the paint I'd used.....

and I found my sourced opinions based all wrong.

So I've tackled every obstacle that life has thrown....

with a zeal, a zest, a passion rarely seen.

And while some have tried to block the way I seek....

others have purported what could be.

So I'll keep the course I've chosen for this spate of time....

I'll not falter in the shadows of this quest.

For I've found there is no reward at some pearly gate

all the answers lie among the endlessness

Haywire.AVI

Trials and Tribulations........

I've often wondered what I'd find among the scattered memories of forgotten emotion.....times I'd lived watching, estimating value, and initiating action from below the realm of adolescence.....and still further......from adulthood.....the time when the view was from a "leg" perspective.  The few images memory held prevalent and made available when prompted by some emotional stimulus seemed to point toward the existence of some sort of 'special child'......at least that is what I was led to believe with statements made by my mother during the years. I personally could never associate any special feelings to her musing or to pictures I have from the early years. There were vague references to some sort of gregarious nature of fearlessness and curiosity......which were sprinkled......at times.....with words like selfish and statements regarding reminders of my father who was the classic "distant" parent. I heard a lot of condemning phrases such as "acting just like him" and "reminds me of". These probably encouraged me to focus forward rather than enjoy and absorb the present circumstances on a daily basis. I remember always wanting to be somewhere other than where I was. In the last forty years I exposed this as a 'self-evident truth' which began in my mother's lack of happiness and convoluted denials.

In the course of writing this blog I've mentioned instances of epiphany whereby I discovered many layers of my own resistance to life and attempted to offer the understandings of cultural inundation I've gleaned from this. This year is opening with an even greater potential for myself and some who stand very close to me to bring "lost fragments" of self back into view. I have been experiencing a rebirth of imagination through a relationship which is dawning between myself, Suzanne, and another. It is an unusual triad with a lack of social dogma such as jealousy....and the nuances it is configuring itself with are offering some very empowering attitude changes . For one thing........just prior to Christmas.......Suzanne found herself undergoing a purposeful awakening in a way which can be described only through a metaphor such as the blossoming of a lotus flower. Its like her ability to love turned a corner deep inside and is initiating something long held in check from early childhood. She was astounded.

I am experiencing the self-same. Long constricted feelings began surfacing in the month of September and a chain of epiphany reached a recognizeable level which has done nothing less than astound me.


The muse in all of this is our eight year friendship with a woman, her children, and her life.....interacting with our own..........which has been opening these doors of early childhood for each of us. She too.....has had an amazing epiphany about her self-worth in this relationship and a multitude of smaller ones which are starting to offer her substantial insights into her past, present and potentials for future. In finding ourselves as a support system in multiple ways as she changes her survival mode.....we are finding her the support or muse if you like....which 'cements' expanded ideas of love as 'energy extant' without the need classically associated to this idea........and  all three of us are experiencing a rebirth.

There was a time in my life when I began to sense a bitterness creeping into my 'heart' as I thought I was failing in my quest for self-realization. This was in and around my early 30s. I had an opportunity to change my relationship at the time but I chose to 're-set' my goal by setting my personal desire aside in favor of a bigger picture. I did not realize that the following 10 years would teach me so much about habitual self-abuse.....universally and personally. Those years changed a point of spiritual focus from a point of searching for an 'external answer'........to the reality that the answers lay in the 'trackable' psychology of my past.......my 'inside'. It could be said that halfway through my 4th level of growth...in 7 year cycles......a door had opened which began an ardent re-working of my first 3.5 cycles. This 'door' kept initiating a second look....each time stagnation threatened to create a perfect parallel of my dogmatic past attitudes. In my early 30s I was struggling with my 2nd marriage, trying to hold it together while my wife was doing her best to destroy it. Things were a mess. There was a longing inside to just let go of her and try to move forward but the words of an elder from my past kept 'ringing' in my ears that I must earn my way past my past......by comprehension.....or I would merely recreate the lesson again and again. I think.......in hindsight.......had I walked away at that point and taken the other road I'd have learned what I was reaching for but how can we know for certain. My adopted attitude from the near death experience at 25 was to become tenacious in my quest and refuse to give up until all 'avenues' were exhausted. It is that tenacity, inherited from my mother, which has kept the 'fire inside' burning brightly all these years in my search for self and the recalcitrant attitude I approach social dogma with.

Now....here is a couple of parallels for perusal. Suzanne went through a perfect contextual parallel in her early 30s. The threat of bitterness increased slowly over the next 10 years and only her meditations kept it at bay. Our friend is facing up to every aspect Suz and I went through,as I write, and knows it. The entrenched attitudes of her former partner are extremely similar to those of my father around the time my younger sister was about a year old .  It was in the next two years that I believe my mother fought with herself and my father over the issue of  his irresponsible selfishness.......and
finally gave up......slowly becoming the emotionally hardened self-righteous woman who raised us. During that period is when she talked about me changing from this wonder-filled loving child to this wild-seed hellion that I was. I have long looked for verification of these 'facts' but could not clarify them through my mother. As well.....many is the time in the last ten years I have made statements to Suzanne regarding a pet peeve to have met her when she was in her early 30s and the subsequent discussions of things having possibly gone a very different way. It is a tough 'row to hoe' when only one partner wants to dance the dance of life.......and the other is merely content to live vicariously.

This love of these many women past and current are the 'river' which lead me to awareness of what "love" really is by opening up my mind to memories I buried in layers...as we all do when learning to survive through our trials and tribulations.

"Spiritual Promiscuity"....or maybe " sex with gods " inspired by Hele. at "Truth Cycles"

spottedwolf said...

It is far easier to define the physical as the mundane....however....in separating of the two one removes one from its 'perfect' union with the other. The end result is like a marketing ploy...in that it alludes to the supposed 'higher nature' which is actually related to traditions of karmic retribution....which is....completely uncertifiable as there is no actual proof of our existence as 'individuals' beyond the current experience. 'Karma' is a simple state of action begats result.....not the human characteristic applied by anthropocentric ideas of guilt. One must remind oneself that 'guilt' is of human construct and a modality which purveys consensus so as to fund specific unities such as social behavior. Multiple relationships are merely expressions of our search among the many faceted aspects of our humanity....and their sexual expression works to heal the gaps created by social stereo-typing.

I will add to these musings the idea of a completed root-chakra in the 1st cycle of 7yrs of life/recognition/growth...which....if orchestrated by a culture which is all inclusive rather than partially exclusive....allows entry to the 2nd level of life/acceptance/growth in the reproductive experience of the sacral-chakra...especially if mediated by appropriately open interpretation, rather than closed idealistic control mechanisms based in fear traditions,.. a far wider perspective of the connection the soul/force/spirit has among all life forms. Anything less.....such as the closed-minded viewpoints of Victorian fundamentalism....which heavily influence modern western thinking, behavior, and laws.....do little to encourage a 'seeking out' of similarity in our human-experience and actually create and contribute to secularism by way of predjudice, harsh judgementalism, bigotry, survival selfishness, brutality, sexual obsessiveness etc, etc, etc,.

"Spiritual promiscuity" can be a positive way of expressing a need....... and an empowering idiom

to support.....the REALITY that every individual has to encounter many various aspects of "spiritual interpretation" and thereby certify the individual self by 'self' or suffer the probable effects of bombastic learning. Even the word 'spiritual' could be said to imply this when you 'see' its 2 word make-up of spirit and ritual. 'Spirit' stands for an all inclusive idealism and 'ritual' its process manifest. So........since we are all of "spirit"...........then all process is of "spirit" as well.....meaning simply that each being is constantly 'working' its way along its 'spirit' path in a process with all others.

To realize.....is to release.

"eyes opening wide"

I am the one who chose......

to hide my eyes behind a rose

and live each day beside in verse

until I fill an empty hearse

Then came the ones who opened me

and showed my love that I could be

by working hard amidst my pain

to find its shelter in its reign

I'd woven tight but still I tried

among the others who'd denied

to build new bridge's o'er the gaps

and watch false idols all collapse

I wrestled time and time again

to forge a waxing from a wane

and see my universe expand

from all my castles built in sand

Slowly thus I readjust

and using love remove my rust

exposing something so divine

I cannot help but let it shine

"without question"

 Haywire

haywire.....the way I think about things..

like love.......a crazier theme

labels.....just bind ya to stuff

fulla confusion...til' ya lose sight of us....

why....is it so hard for you to trust

you're tryin' to believe with eyes filled by dust

and your past keeps robbin' your faith

but old haywire can show you a way

haywire...you say the way that I am

makes me look like a kid stealin' jam

carelessness...smeared it all on my face

but your judgin' is your own fall from grace

why....is it so hard for you to trust

you're tryin' to believe with eyes filled by dust

and your past keeps robbin' your faith

but old haywire can show you a way

call me woman....talk with me a while

listen closely now and again you'll soon smile

hangman....has put a noose 'round your neck

but haywire...can break you from that

why....is it so hard for you to trust
you're tryin' to believe with eyes filled by dust

and your past keeps robbin' your faith

but old haywire can show you a way

haywire...and I ain't gonna change

there's no use fightin' I was born this-a-way

got no fear woman....of breakin' them ol' rules

hell.....love like that.....is only for fools

why is it so hard for you to trust

cuz your tryin' to see through eyes with old dust

and your past keeps robbin' your faith

but ol' haywire....can show you a way

life is love

Have you ever lost everything you once valued.....by making a choice to change the way you think.....life/love is......to something you believe..........it could be ?

Have you dealt with the power of family consensus......when the 'rule of family'........no longer makes any real sense and......only offers..........the illusion.........of 'shelter'........from loneliness ?


It takes time and effort to seek places of greater understanding of ....what it means to be human.
The effort shakes the very foundations of most of what we are instructed with......... regarding social behavior.

Those of us who are raised by parents who take care......usually have a harder time trying to sort truth......from hypocrisy.

Do you like the statement that "Love is unconditional".......then you've adopted a condition.......for love.

We...who seek understanding....seek tribalism....and its 'truest' expression

I have long considered relationships to be spiritual in their primary 'nature'. In my opinion their growth-synthesis has proven itself, time and again, in their beginnings and endings...whether by choice separation or any other dissolution.....to be only of self-exploratory value. Far too much human value, in the form of social necessity, is generally attached to the definition of relationships as good or bad. When we reach an impasse regarding condition in relationships....most of us never corroborate the impasse to our socio-political training. We usually exhort the dynamic of failure by biasing the relationship on the basis of survival....which is species-emotion-specific to regeneration. The end result of such thinking is an 'emotional over-load' and a 'scattering' of our manufactured personalities to points of extremism. We become desparately self-destructive in our attempt to control our fear of 'death' through all the acceptable machinations such as blame. Our fear of our natural ability to adapt to changing conditions becomes the over-riding force which distorts our ability to see beyond our personal dogma. Essentially.....we experience a total sexuality breakdown because it is the nature of sexual self-esteem which creates our purest levels of contentment.

I am 'tribal' by nature.....and in a slow process of uncovering this, shall I suggest 'primitive' character, have always found it far simpler to deal with......than the emotional backlash of self-preservation based in cultural dynamic. It is not an easy way to think. The arena of 'perfect partner' is something I connected to as a result of my orthodox Christian background and was 'set' into my way of thinking since before I was born. I was, essentially, groomed to think in the consensual lines of my culture. I spent many years in 'emotional argument' between two ideals.....one puritanically dogmatic and another which felt so natural it scared me. As a young man in my teen years I witnessed a break from the accepted way of viewing relationships in many ways. During the 60s all sorts of sexuality 'doors' opened spilling out gender content marked by one label after another with terms to define such as, gay, slut, lesbian, stud, queer, casanova, fag, and much variation showing me how twisted the Christian Right had become in their incessant desire to prove their view of life as the one true way to live. I was exposed to a whole new level of thinking as many people, including friends, experimented with sexuality in ways which the Right deemed as deplorable. Watching all this became a fascination of mine because it destroyed much of what I'd been taught as right or wrong.

 It was in these teen years when I also began to experience an awakening to the ancientness of religious concept through spiritual initiation by drug-induced visionary practice and psychological comparison. This time in my life opened areas of thinking which led to even deeper experiences in dealing with the layers of denial I'd absorbed from my childhood in classic Orthodox western culture. My sources of information and inspiration became increasingly right-brain oriented and I discovered that I was far more at home in the company of those who questioned every aspect of humanity than those who didn't. I began to find that I could not absolutely trust my feelings to guide me through emotional difficulty. The result of all these early influences, and others experienced much earlier, led me to believe that sexuality is the part of us that reinstates the most powerful area with which our mentality properly guides us through life and holds the greatest of keys to our ideas of  an infinite life beyond this earth existance. All that I witnessed then and since...and all that I've read in histories of tribal cultures.....when relationships were experienced as a fundamental expression of the spirit.....and for the benefit of spiritual growth.....has and still does certify what I believe.