emotional suicide...the tree of life nearly flattened me....

     After the various ways I've written about the importance of recognition, acceptance, and manipulation....the three levels of control....and......the way we prioritize early learned images into habit patterns......and......how these thought-action patterns create emotional magnetic resonance fields.......which........bring situations to us which can be of benefit.....or......to our detriment..........I have a recent incident involving someone close to me which makes for a good example. There were actually two similar incidents......but the second one wins the prize.
    I'll start by reminding all that this person is not new.....by any means.....to these philosophies. Therefore....the point I wish to make in sharing this true story......is that all of us are subjective to our pasts in different degrees relevant to circumstances.
      When we met I was  hosting counseling/healing/teaching sessions for aspiring spiritualists. It was through one of the others that we formally met......because I'd already been 'guided' to her by our respective 'energies'.  I invited her to come and learn and she did. That is how we met.
      One of the problems relationships suffer....classically.....is too much co-dependency in its traditional aspects. We may have worked our personal issues over time and reached a better understanding of self.....but.......when the aura guides us into a new relationship.......most of us tend to  socially traditionalize  by busying ourselves with "playing house".........at least till the excitement dies down. As active seekers........ our mundane pasts are always waiting for us to forget the main goal of spirituality so it can surge to the fore and remind us why we were actively working on the self in the first place. We are all such emotional escape artists at times.
    Going dormant can slowly create a resurgence of the older attitudes and so it is more important to recognize your "love" in its universal aspect than its personal one. If you remain diligent in servicing the overall spirit.....even while enjoying the companionship consensus brings.....you will progress with less 'incidents'.
      In her family the women are generally strong martyrs. They are of classic over-mothering style and quite a few hold what we of aboriginal influences know as "panther medicine"....which when respected properly...........is some of the most powerful feminine energy that exists.  However, if it isn't studied thoroughly the over-mothering aspect becomes the theme......and the result can create major difficulties when the energies become too convoluted with survival. You see my friends.....survival mechanisms also have a diametric opposite.......which in psychological terms.....is called 'emotional suicide mechanisms'. These nasty little magnetic forces are part of our 'Pandora's Boxes' and go way back in our anthropomorphic histories.....even disguised as heroic quests.......but generally fit the catagories of 'coulda, woulda, shoulda'.
     So here's the story from old issues to current. In view of all I've mentioned above.....we'll return to a time ten years past when she left her home and sons to come live with me and see if she could vibrate with my agenda. Her sons were in their mid-teens and their birth father had expressed interest in taking over the duties of parenting them for the good of the boys. She expressed trepidation but also felt that she needed the space herself. Shortly...within the following year....we had the 18yr old with us for 7 months and then he moved out and began struggling to learn to care for himself. The 16 year old stayed with his father for a short time till he became "too much" for daddy to deal with.....because daddy was a selfish twit. He stayed with us for a few months and then moved on as well. Since the early 'rough days' of 'playing house' I've tried to help the boys understand their patterns of behavior and supported them as I saw appropriate. For the large part....my intervention has worked. They are far better at self-acceptance than they were.
    Suzanne is a busy girl and tends to converse about such issues.....but....can be quite delinquent about doing the 'heavy' imagery work on her own memory bank. I have chided her many times over this...which can result in pushing an old beligerence button. She also carries a lot of that old family guilt/blame crap.......like a 'cross'.......over the fact that she chose a husband who turned out to be such a selfish shit. The struggle to make up for the lack placed her in the same situations as my own mother, .....and many others. OH the tangled web we weave.
    A few years back....the younger son.....moved from our town to a town about 7 hours away. He hasn't returned. For the most part Sue handles this fairly well but as with most mamas........ energies rise around holidays and the personal emotional past dates. The strength of bond with her boys is quite dependent on her ability to keep them close which is care-bond mixed up with need/control scenarios.....so it IS about early learned control mechanisms.     Yes..ladies...I realize what the supporting statements are but I'm not interested in excuses......because...they will enable these kinds of situations. 
    When the  younger moved away he made some poor choices for roomates regarding  responsibility......which, recently,  resulted in a loss of residence and subsequent self-esteem. As this was coming to a head there was no contact on Mother's day....bummer......hurt feelings.....something this super-sensitive girl handles stoicly. Then she found out he'd come to town on a couple of short trips and avoided her. She thought it was because he was afraid of being confronted by me. From all he later said to me...she was right but it included facing her as well. He didn't want to be confronted for spending money he owes to others.......on playthings......which is the major contributing fact to his dilemna.  All of this spilled out just before our trip south and is since....resolved....with him having learned...hopefully....another big fat lesson about keeping your word.
    Here's what happened to her. All these events and the lack of doing proper REM release work add up to keep recycling the same emotional baggage.
   A.....It is fall.....a time of year when we assess our success and grade ourselves for the year in very ancient ingrained attitudes. In comes the unresolved memories of leaving her sons with their idiot father ( 10 years ago about now).
    B.....She is unconsciously giving herself a failing grade as another year has passed and #2 son isn't under her "wing"....safe and secure. ( as if that's ever going to happen again) Grade F.
    C.......Thanksgiving comes around........( uh oh....family time....where's #2...my baby boy?...oh dear, he's still lost) grade F.
   D.......#1 son comes for dinner and we have good fun ( but big total family dinner at Gramma's place with all others who we certify our successes through and by ain't happening) #2 son never calls. Grade C+.
     E.......Girlfriend stops by with all her brood and we have great time with her kids all over Auntie Sue. ( two gorgeous boys...one just a fat little infant ) Grade = A+ for adding to the memory's "dominos"
    F.......Wee hours.....major REM dream involving Sue using her long dead ,old dear, hero-man, friend Robert...who died of cancer years ago....in a wheel-chair ( never was in reality)....with her observing him amid a group of people thinking, "why don't they just go away and let him die in peace?".     This is a variation of a dream which 'haunted' her for years and seems to be her telling herself to let go of this old weak-man, weak-dad, weak-husband, weak-mother, weak-me image. She's even chained herself to a wheelchair which I think is about her need to do for the weak.....to save them from themselves.....which in her case is trying to save her from this emotional habit of martyrdom..
       Sue likes her solitude.....but it has been a way of escaping herself in times of strong emotions as well. This would be serviced by her gardens and book wormishness but.........I need more firewood......so get up girl because you said you'd help this morning. She makes sure that I understand from her forceful expressive that, "this is the last wood I'll help with and don't ask me to go hunting with you cuz I won't anymore...I've got work around the yard I want to do....fume...grumble..etc"
     So I tell her my plan is fall three trees and that will be plenty for a full load. I am adamant when I tell her I'm going to knock all three down in the beginning and buck them all at once rather than fall and buck one-at-a-time. I tell her this 5.... FIVE times.....on the 10 minute drive to the wood lot because I can see she's got her out-of-balance cap on backwards. We get to the wood lot and when we get out of the truck she starts organizing things....so I stop her and look right at her and say....," 3 all at once...watch me until they're down...do not take your eyes off me." I get a belligerent look. She said later she was thinking...," I have a brain!!" ...that probably had an "asshole!" attached to it but she wasn't going to say that...then.
    I fall a 100ft dead pine. I turn and take a few steps to the second.....measure it mentally for fall path......make my angle cut.....make my straight cut.........and make my hinge cut. As I hear the wood cracking and this second 100ft pine begins its fall path I step back to make sure I'm safe and when I turn my head watching it go..................YES...............I'm greeted by the site of the tree smashing the earth ...FIVE...feet to the right of her!!!!  I'm split-second puzzled..surprised...and then shaking with anger at her !!!! "WHAT TH" F... ARE YOU DOING ?!!??"
The look on her face told me the whole story........she was so preoccupied from the powerful dream and the Thanksgiving images........that she hadn't "heard" a thing I'd said.
    I quit yelling within milliseconds when I saw the realization of what had just happened come to her...let my energy go..... but I deliberately kept my voice escalated for a few minutes to impress her with my scare.  Later that afternoon......and..... into the evening came a long diatribe at her to clarify the "tracks" of the issue........
    It is never too late to start an active program of meditation to solve old 'energies'.....unless we're dead.